Saturday, May 29, 2010

84 Rules of Life

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three Margaritas.
2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use WD-40; if it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You're right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her, believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles: Ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now?" How about one month? One week? One day?"
9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it's not that important.
13. Be really nice to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
14. Don't be an idiot.
15. Never trust women who can't put their lipstick on straight. They are invariably crazy.
16. Know your way home.
17. Don't talk to yourself.
18. Closets make good sleeping - if you like being sore the next day.
19. If you like the music, dance.
20. You'll feel better if you throw up.
21. No matter how certain you might be of any given situation, there is invariably another creature who will teach you the meaning of certainty.
22. Never try to take apart a computer with a monkey wrench.
23. Learn to say "Where is the nude beach?" in at least three languages.
24. Do not use your work laptop while eating Coco Wheats.
25. Children do not want clothes for birthday gifts.
26. Running into your wife's gynecologist at Target is awkward. Somewhat surprisingly, you won't have much to talk about.
27. He who makes a beast of himself takes away the pain of being a man.
28. If you talk to yourself (see 17), don't answer in a different voice; it tends to spook those around you.
29. Don't hit your own head.
30. Even though it doesn't appear it to us, everyone considers themself an above average driver.
31. don£t trtry to type stufff whebn yu are reallly"yy drunk....
32 No matter how socially inept you think you are, you're still a lot more fun to be around than Carrot Top.
33. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
34. One day you can get screwed out of what is rightfully yours, the next day you may become world reknowned and respected just for being yourself (See Ozzy Osbourne).
35. Carrot sticks and bleu cheese vegetable dip lead to multiple instances of explosive diarrhea.
36. He who hesitates is lost.
37. Schizophrenia means never having to be alone.
38. Everybody needs a good ass-kicking now and again.
39. Early bird gets the worm.
40. Forks fairly fly when you serve corn-saugage pie.
41. Avoid all so-called "vegetarian" options at fast-food burger joints, lest thou be hunched over for a good portion of the night muttering incoherently about "food poisoning" as your intestines try to leap up and strangle your stomach, causing the worst cramping possible this side of labor pains.
42. Fart jokes never stop being funny.
43. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
44. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
45. Have your own sense of style.
46. As with all things, this too shall pass.
47. It's not so bad because it could always be worse.
48. "Accept."
49. Pet a dog.
50. It's a small world after all.
51. Midgets are people too.
52. No great music was ever made on a Flying V guitar.
53. Everything that can possibly happen, will happen.
54. A tongue stud is no excuse not to learn to do it right.
55. Cry once in a while, it's cathartic. If you need to hide from others to do so, then do, but still cry.
56. Follow it up with a beer/phone call with a friend who laughs a lot.
57. Eat cheese, it is marvelous tasting and, purportedly, scrubs your teeth.
58. When you see a little kid in the store, make a fart noise with your mouth. They laugh every time.
59. Splurge on toilet paper.
60. Lay in the grass and watch the bugs crawl around.
60a. (Optional) Squash them.
61. Positive to positive, negative to negative, ground to ground.
62. Beggers CAN be choosers.
63. Monkeys cheat at monopoly.
64. Chances are, you won't refill your popcorn.
65. If someone tells you, "You're dreaming, pal!" kick them in the shin. It's okay, because after all, it's a dream.
66. Never rub another man's rhubarb!
67. Don't buy live lobsters from Walmart.
68. There's more than one way to skin a cat. There are more than two ways to serve it.
69. There are 68 things before 69, but of course none of them will be remembered.
70. You will not get rich quick with Amway.
71. First one up gets the paper. And makes the coffee.
72. Cheesy fantasy movies have at least one Queen track in them.
73. Always check to see if there is anyone else in a public bathroom when you enter.
74. If someone else enters, cough to let them know you are there. If not, you may have to listen to something you didn't intend.
74a. The Sacred Buffer Corollary: When in a public bathroom, never take the urinal/stall directly adjacent to another user/jockey. When you are the first settler, never take the middle facility. Respect the Sacred Buffer.
75. Know someone who gives good foot massages.
76. Lyle Lovett is better heard than seen.
77. Even when you know there is nobody there, dark, long hallways are creepy.
78. Never trust a person who has a lugubrious countenance.
79. Never trust a person who has a smirking countenance.
80. Never tie a yellow ribbon round the old guy at the bus stop.
81. Never make a web page that needs binoculars to be read.
82. You can never teach an old dog new tricks, unless you have a peanut butter.
83. A jar full of candy on the desk is a great way to start a new job.
84. Never trust a fart.

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