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Saturday, November 30, 2013
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Monday, November 25, 2013
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Friday, November 22, 2013
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Posting Update
Hey everyone - I just moved, so posts will be slow for the next couple of days. I am waiting for my internet. Don't cry, I will be back in business very soon. Probably Friday.
Monday, November 18, 2013
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Epic Stunt
Murder trial
A man is on trial for a double homicide, and the judge is reading the charges.
He says "Mr. Smith, you are being charged with murdering your wife with a chainsaw."
A man in the audience yells out "You monster!"
The judge continues "You are also being charged with murdering your mother in law with a hammer."
The same man in the audience yells "You bastard!"
At this point, the judge turns to the man in the audience and threatens to throw him out of the courtroom if he yells again.
He says to the judge "I'm sorry, your honor, it's just that I've been this man's next door neighbor for years, and every time I ask if I can borrow his tools, he says he doesn't have any."
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He says "Mr. Smith, you are being charged with murdering your wife with a chainsaw."
A man in the audience yells out "You monster!"
The judge continues "You are also being charged with murdering your mother in law with a hammer."
The same man in the audience yells "You bastard!"
At this point, the judge turns to the man in the audience and threatens to throw him out of the courtroom if he yells again.
He says to the judge "I'm sorry, your honor, it's just that I've been this man's next door neighbor for years, and every time I ask if I can borrow his tools, he says he doesn't have any."
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Friday, November 15, 2013
In the locker room
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins
to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of 900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
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MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of 900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
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Thursday, November 14, 2013
Stranded
An Englishman, a
Frenchman, and an American get stranded on an island.
They are taken captive by the natives there, bound, and dragged into a tent. After about an hour, the chief of the tribe comes in.
"I have good news, and I have bad news," he tells them. "The bad news is we are going to kill you, eat you, and make your skins into canoes. The good news is you get to choose how you die."
The Englishman asks for a gun. "Long live the Queen!" he says, and shoots himself in the head, and dies.
The Frenchman asks for poison. He lifts the glass, says "Viva la France!", drinks, and dies.
The American asks for a fork. The natives are confused, but they hand over a fork. He starts stabbing himself all over with said fork... his arms, legs, torso, everywhere.
"What are you doing?!" The chief asks finally, perplexed. The American grins at them.
"So much for your canoe, you assholes."
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They are taken captive by the natives there, bound, and dragged into a tent. After about an hour, the chief of the tribe comes in.
"I have good news, and I have bad news," he tells them. "The bad news is we are going to kill you, eat you, and make your skins into canoes. The good news is you get to choose how you die."
The Englishman asks for a gun. "Long live the Queen!" he says, and shoots himself in the head, and dies.
The Frenchman asks for poison. He lifts the glass, says "Viva la France!", drinks, and dies.
The American asks for a fork. The natives are confused, but they hand over a fork. He starts stabbing himself all over with said fork... his arms, legs, torso, everywhere.
"What are you doing?!" The chief asks finally, perplexed. The American grins at them.
"So much for your canoe, you assholes."
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