Saturday, August 30, 2014

The GOP Pro-Life Stance




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Before they were famous





WorldWideInterweb

Best News Bloopers August 2014





NewsBeFunny

Look Before You Lean




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Childhood Trauma Soap




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Having Dinner

A husband and wife are having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. ‪‪ The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who in the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "She's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough. I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "But remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage, and no more yacht club. Not only that, but no more diamonds, no more credit card, and large bank account."

"But, he said, "The decision is all yours."

Just then, a mutual friend of theirs enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Bobby?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says the husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies



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Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Faceplant



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Quick Look Around



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Lighbulb Jokes

How many policemen does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just beat the room for being black

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How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. They're efficient and not very funny.

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How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed-upon duties, i.e., the illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation, at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder, or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counterclockwise direction, said direction being non- negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every reasonable caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed-upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform, and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counterclockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (“Receptacle”), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part (“New Light Bulb”). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in Step 1 of this document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above-described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of commerce and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as “The Firm.”

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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

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How many computer scientists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That is a hardware issue.

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How many Libertarians does it take to change a light bulb?

NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS! AM I BEING DETAINED?

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How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

2 but nobody knows how they got in there.

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How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb?

Just Juan.

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How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a light bulb?

You don't know man, you weren't there man!

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How many Marxists does it take to screw in a proletariat light bulb?

None. The proletariat light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

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Monday, August 25, 2014

Traffic on the Panama Canal



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Other Drivers



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Link List 8-25-14

25 of the Funniest Conversations Overheard on the Goldman Sachs Elevator

 

Man lives in the wild with zero human contact for 28 years. Survives by stealing food, gets arrested. Very interesting

 

 

The Genie

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No Kidding,' he said.

'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'



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Green Food



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Friday, August 22, 2014

Purple Marker Missing



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Observation Skills

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them:

“In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is That you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.”

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.”

Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, “The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.”


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Airport Timelapse




Thunderstorm Wallpaper




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Congress Obeying Laws



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