Friday, November 28, 2014

White Zinfandel


Three Bulls

Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get his cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine."

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'm keeping all my cows."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply must keep all my cows."

They no sooner finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only one animal in it: the biggest baddest bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: "You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from him. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"




Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Blonde on an Airplane

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane.

The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm staying in first class until we reach New York."
The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave.

The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm staying in first class until we reach New York."

The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot. The copilot said "No problem my wife is blonde I can handle this"

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat.

The copilot replies, "I told her the first class wasn't going to New York."


Cheerleader Flanders


Can you do us a favor?


Thursday, November 20, 2014

Conductive Ink


Sneak Attack


Mindblowing Facts

  • Australia once lost a prime minister. As in straight up couldn't find him. They have yet to find him.
  • The Champawat Tiger was a female Bengal tiger responsible for an estimated 430 deaths in Nepal and India.
  • There was once a war between Honduras and El Salvador started by a soccer game.
  • It rains diamonds on Saturn, and Jupiter.
  • When I tell people that Bob Marley's father was white, oh the nonbelievers!
  • People completely shave orangutans and force them into prostitution.
  • The Mongolian Navy consists of a tugboat with a seven man crew. Only one of them can swim.
  • The Who's first drummer, Keith Moon, was the godfather of The Who's current drummer, Zak Starkey, who is also the son of Ringo Starr, The Beatles' drummer.
  • More people are killed each year by vending machines than by sharks.
  • Warner Bros was founded a few months before the fall of the Ottoman Empire. Even crazier is that Nintendo was founded 34 YEARS before it fell.
  • Humans share 50% of their DNA with... bananas.
  • France has more time zones than USA or Russia. (For those wondering, it's because France owns a lot of island nations on Earth.)
  • Maine is the closest US state to Africa.
  • The current United States flag was designed by then 17 years old Robert G. Heft, as part of a school project. He received a grade of B-
  • Fortune cookies were invented in America and are seen in China as an american symbol.
  • Gravity propagates at the speed of light. So if the sun were to suddenly disappear, we would continue orbiting for 8 minutes.
  • If there are 23 people in a room, there's a 50% chance two of them share a birthday. edit: google "birthday paradox" for more information.
  • Blue whales don't have enough blood in their body to get an erection, they would pass out from lack of blood in the brain. To compensate - female blue whale vaginas are the size of an average living room. edit: I'm getting lots of questions about this one. I believe that they just ejaculate while semi-flaccid so it's not very accurate and that's why the large vaginas are there. They cum over 5 gallons at a time though, now you know.
  • There are more ways to shuffle a deck of cards then there are atoms in our solar system.
  • Cleopatra lived closer in time to the moon landing than she did to the building of the Great Pyramids.
  • There are more public libraries than McDonald’s in the US.
  • 7 out of 8 battle deaths in WWII were between the Russians and the Germans - this includes the entire world at the time.
  • The grandsons of tenth US President John Tyler (born 1790) are still living.
  • A day on Venus is longer than a year on Venus.
  • Hippo milk is pink. That's right, pink.
  • Your body is creating and killing 15 million red blood cells per second.
  • Shaq only ever hit one 3 point shot.
  • Photographs taken of the Eiffel Tower at night are subject to copyright law.
  • Most toilets flush in E Flat.
  • Reno is west of L.A. Also, six US Capitals are west of L.A.


More here

Kid can dance


Sunday, November 16, 2014

When a shortcut backfires


Marty and Sam Go Drinking

Before Marty and Sam die they decide to go out for old times sake and just get properly gone showed at the bar. About 8 or 9 pints in Marty gets an idea.

"Hey Sam, what do you say we get laid one more time before we clock out."

Excited and drunk out of their minds they decide to go to the local whore house down the street.

They lady at the counter realizes how drunk they are and decides if she puts them in a couple rooms with a blow up doll they won't know the difference.

They get to their rooms go in and about 15 minutes later they come out.

Sam looks at Marty and says "man if I didn't know any better I'd say my girl was dead cause she was cold and didn't move once.

Marty says "Sam your lucky cause I'm pretty sure mine was a witch. I was nibbling on her neck and she farted and flew out the window."


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