Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Getting Gas Isn't Easy






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Know Your Rights



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Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Best of the Web 7







Mexican Word of the Day



Bishop.
My girl got drunk and fell down at the party, I had to pick the bishop.
 
 
I know Mexican judo. Judo know if I got a knife, judo know if I got a gun.  

Chicken. My wife told me to go to the store but chicken go herself. 
 
 
 
 

In case you get asked "What's your greatest weakness?" Have this card prepared.




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Accidental Art



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Society for Asking Stupid Questions




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Trailer for Better Call Saul





This show is gonna be awesome!!!!


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Kim Jung Un looks at the White House



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Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson just uploaded this to his Instagram




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Latte



TLDRWiki

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Difference between you and a mallard with a cold




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Winter Forecast

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. 
 
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea, He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?' 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.'

Remember this whenever you get advice from an official.



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A Blonde Joke

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
  1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
  2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
  3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
  4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
  5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times............'


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Monday, December 15, 2014

Sleep Number




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Local Lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"


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This can go on the list of things that I will never do







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Good Game!




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Flying Racoon Attack



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Old Friend From High School




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Friday, December 12, 2014

Awesome name bro



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Lemme just get a selfie with this monkey




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Huge Coincidence



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Gift Certificate

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation that was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is powerful medicine. It must be respected. You take only teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'

When you do that, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The old man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until next full moon."

The old man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.


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Thank you very much



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Gracefull






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They finally got your mom's plane ready






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Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Top 10 Seinfeld Quotes





WatchMojo

Born Without Eyelids

I woman had just given birth to a baby boy.

The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids."

The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?"

The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids."

The father says," Won't that make him cock-eyed."

The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"


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