Wednesday, July 20, 2016

A Bunch of "Change a Light Bulb" Jokes

How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. They're efficient and not very funny.

_________________________________________________________

How many Mexicans does it take to

holy shit they're already done

_________________________________________________________

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed-upon duties, i.e., the illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation, at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder, or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counterclockwise direction, said direction being non- negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every reasonable caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed-upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform, and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counterclockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (“Receptacle”), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part (“New Light Bulb”). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in Step 1 of this document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above-described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of commerce and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as “The Firm.”

_________________________________________________________

How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?

About a dozen. On stands on the table and holds the bulb to the socket, the others continue drinking until the room starts to spin.

_________________________________________________________

How many Microsoft developers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just re-define darkness as the new standard.

_________________________________________________________

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They don't change light bulbs, that's a hardware problem.

_________________________________________________________

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb?

To get to the other side!


_________________________________________________________

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two, one to turn the bulb and one to hold the penis... I MEAN LADDER!

_________________________________________________________

How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a light bulb?

You don't know! YOU WEREN'T THERE!

_________________________________________________________

How many optometrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One... Or two...? Now, two or three?

_________________________________________________________

How many Apple engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Your house is obsolete, you have to move. 

_________________________________________________________

How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?

Wanna ride bikes?

_________________________________________________________

How many Hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's a really obscure number...you've probably never heard of it.

_________________________________________________________

How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

A Brazilian!

_________________________________________________________

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

"It's fine if you don't change it honey, I'll just sit here in the dark."





via












No comments:

Post a Comment