Saturday, November 3, 2018

McMansions of Seattle

Happy Halloween, folks! Today, as a special treat, I will be giving you something EXTRA SCARY: 10 (ten) 𝖊𝖝𝖙𝖗𝖊𝖒𝖊𝖑𝖞 𝖈𝖚𝖗𝖘𝖊𝖉 𝖒𝖈𝖒𝖆𝖓𝖘𝖎𝖔𝖓𝖘 from the breezy suburbs of Seattle.
If you really want to be scared: all of these houses cost more than $1.5 million dollars despite looking like they were made with, like, thirty dollars. I guess the scariest thing of all for so many of us is 𝖗𝖎𝖉𝖎𝖈𝖚𝖑𝖔𝖚𝖘𝖑𝖞 𝖍𝖎𝖌𝖍 𝖚𝖗𝖇𝖆𝖓 𝖍𝖔𝖚𝖘𝖎𝖓𝖌 𝖕𝖗𝖎𝖈𝖊𝖘
Well, without further ado:

#10: Asphalt Purgatory

this house really drives home the banality of ugliness but it gets bonus points for the garage, which gives the great pyramid of Giza a run for its money. 9

#9: Vile “Villa”

If you really think about it, so many horror stories come true every day if you’re a tree. you know, like helplessly watching someone slaughter your neighbors and friends

#8: Casa del No

(computer voice): enhancing
this is just an abomination, completely eviscerating the millennia-long tradition of architectural detailing in the same way facebook has eviscerated the meaning of the word “truth” for millions of old people addicted to insane right-wing conspiracy pages

#7: Thinly-Veiled Window Showroom

sometimes i wonder if people deliberately build these houses just to make me (personally) angry, and this is one of those times.

#6: Stop Making Sense: The House

(shouting desperately as I’m getting dragged away by police) FERNGULLY WAS A DOCUMENTARY

#5: Duckface

did these people build a house just using random parts stolen from other construction sites or something

#4: Obligatory Faux Chateau

pin this to your halloween moodboard because this place is definitely cursed in every way imaginable

#3: Great “woof, that’s bad,” Lodge

i would make a Twin Peaks joke but none of those gables quite match

#2: (spooky voice) “code violations”

this is like the luxury cabin in the woods version of groverhaus

#1: Please, I beg you, No Mo PoMo

Where to even start with this house. First of all, it is trying to be like 30 different things at once: Italian Villa, French Eclectic, Tugboat, a thinly veiled metaphor for the perils of human indecision. What personally pushed me over the edge was this:
HOW (how??) does this happen? (Mulder writing in his log at the end of an episode of The X-files voice): Only in a world that has forsaken love and truth, in favor of fear and lies, do such abominations unfold.
Happy Halloween, folks. Don’t drink and drive. As for candy: the world is ending, eat trash twizzlers be free!!! See you soon with Vermont.


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